1 00:00:04,094 --> 00:00:05,927 Flavor of Westport, 2 00:00:05,996 --> 00:00:07,629 where the hippest restaurants in town 3 00:00:07,698 --> 00:00:09,631 offer samples of their signature dishes. 4 00:00:09,700 --> 00:00:12,067 Wow. Quinoa pie, kale on a stick. 5 00:00:12,135 --> 00:00:13,935 Things I would eat if I was on the show "Survivor" 6 00:00:14,004 --> 00:00:16,638 and I already ate every rat on the island. 7 00:00:16,707 --> 00:00:18,473 - Greg, Katie, hi! - Hi. 8 00:00:18,542 --> 00:00:20,742 This is also a great place to bump into the people 9 00:00:20,811 --> 00:00:22,377 I spend all week trying to avoid. 10 00:00:22,446 --> 00:00:24,646 Have you guys heard about the big shake-up at school? 11 00:00:24,715 --> 00:00:25,714 Did one of those lonely moms 12 00:00:25,782 --> 00:00:26,948 finally do 10 minutes in the shed 13 00:00:27,017 --> 00:00:28,116 with that sexy groundskeeper? 14 00:00:28,171 --> 00:00:29,117 No. 15 00:00:29,186 --> 00:00:30,318 The new chairs I've been fighting for 16 00:00:30,387 --> 00:00:31,519 were approved. 17 00:00:31,588 --> 00:00:33,655 We now have lumbar support for our children! 18 00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:35,790 Three things happen when you become parents. 19 00:00:35,859 --> 00:00:37,025 You buy a minivan, 20 00:00:37,094 --> 00:00:38,893 you use the word "potty" around adults, 21 00:00:38,962 --> 00:00:41,396 and every conversation becomes about the kids. 22 00:00:41,465 --> 00:00:44,032 We have so much children's medicine in the house, 23 00:00:44,101 --> 00:00:46,501 but I can never find those little plastic measuring thingies. 24 00:00:46,570 --> 00:00:48,136 Where do they go? 25 00:00:48,205 --> 00:00:50,071 Probably hanging out with all the missing socks. 26 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:53,708 Missing socks! 27 00:00:53,777 --> 00:00:56,111 This is so boring. 28 00:00:58,014 --> 00:01:02,050 Beets, fish oil, pollen, and... 29 00:01:02,119 --> 00:01:04,285 oh, I'm forgetting one... peanuts! 30 00:01:04,354 --> 00:01:06,221 Those are all of Holden's allergies. 31 00:01:06,289 --> 00:01:07,355 Okay. Now I'll go. 32 00:01:07,424 --> 00:01:10,325 Hay weed, gluten, 33 00:01:10,394 --> 00:01:12,660 - hypoallergenic foam... - Super boring. 34 00:01:13,430 --> 00:01:15,096 I can't believe you left me with that couple. 35 00:01:15,165 --> 00:01:16,831 They took me through the entire evolution 36 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:18,633 of their son's pronunciation of "blueberry." 37 00:01:18,702 --> 00:01:20,435 Don't recap that conversation for me. 38 00:01:20,504 --> 00:01:22,137 I actually sat in a hot Port-a-Potty 39 00:01:22,205 --> 00:01:23,872 for 20 minutes to avoid it. 40 00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:25,106 We should go. 41 00:01:25,175 --> 00:01:26,341 I have to help Anna-Kat write a five-minute story 42 00:01:26,410 --> 00:01:27,876 for the Kid Lit assembly this weekend. 43 00:01:27,944 --> 00:01:29,911 I think she focuses better after a string cheese. 44 00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:31,746 But not the yellow kind or the white kind. 45 00:01:31,815 --> 00:01:33,214 The yellow-swirled-with-white kind. 46 00:01:33,283 --> 00:01:34,449 Cheddarella. 47 00:01:34,518 --> 00:01:35,517 Remember that time we gave her the store brand? 48 00:01:35,585 --> 00:01:36,885 Yikes-arella. 49 00:01:36,953 --> 00:01:38,319 Oh, my God. 50 00:01:38,388 --> 00:01:39,854 Now we're boring ourselves. 51 00:01:39,923 --> 00:01:41,856 We have no life outside of our kids. 52 00:01:41,925 --> 00:01:43,224 That's not true. 53 00:01:43,293 --> 00:01:45,501 Okay, the other day, I was carpool lane... 54 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:47,220 Uhp, that's the kids. Never mind. We have no life. 55 00:01:47,283 --> 00:01:48,382 Hold that thought. 56 00:01:48,451 --> 00:01:50,351 My trans-fat sense is tingling. 57 00:01:50,419 --> 00:01:53,053 I smell something... fried. 58 00:01:54,390 --> 00:01:55,523 ...they must be hanging out 59 00:01:55,591 --> 00:01:56,657 with the missing socks, right? 60 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,193 Hey, that's my line. 61 00:02:02,932 --> 00:02:05,633 Greg, at my funeral, along with bagpipes, 62 00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:06,867 I want funnel cakes. 63 00:02:06,936 --> 00:02:08,702 I haven't tasted a funnel cake this good 64 00:02:08,771 --> 00:02:10,170 - since the Florida State Fair. - Mm. 65 00:02:10,239 --> 00:02:11,438 Are you from Florida? 66 00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:13,274 Yeah, born and raised. 67 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,608 We just moved here from Myrtle Grove. 68 00:02:14,677 --> 00:02:16,277 We used to play you guys in football! 69 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:17,211 What?! 70 00:02:18,881 --> 00:02:20,881 We must've partied at the same tailgate 71 00:02:20,950 --> 00:02:22,049 at the Speedway. 72 00:02:22,118 --> 00:02:23,384 Do you know the secret about the beer stand 73 00:02:23,452 --> 00:02:24,151 by the Quaker State sign? 74 00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:25,486 Flash 'em for a six pack? 75 00:02:25,555 --> 00:02:28,556 I never paid for a beer in four years. 76 00:02:28,624 --> 00:02:29,723 Hold on. 77 00:02:29,792 --> 00:02:30,891 You're familiar with John Stuart Mill? 78 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,259 - Of course! - You don't understand, 79 00:02:32,328 --> 00:02:34,261 you're the first person to ever say that to me. 80 00:02:34,330 --> 00:02:35,763 No, no, I understand. 81 00:02:35,831 --> 00:02:37,197 We're two Mill-heads. Okay. 82 00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:38,832 Your favorite essay collection on three. 83 00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:40,834 One, two, three. 84 00:02:40,903 --> 00:02:43,370 - "Two Letters on the Measure of Value"! - "Two Letters on the Measure of Value"! 85 00:02:44,740 --> 00:02:46,240 So, have you gotten a feel for the town? 86 00:02:46,309 --> 00:02:47,308 Oh, yeah. 87 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,576 They should change their motto to 88 00:02:48,644 --> 00:02:51,812 "Westport... our foreheads haven't moved since 1862." 89 00:02:51,881 --> 00:02:52,980 Yeah, yeah. 90 00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:54,648 "Westport... our women own 91 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,517 80% of the world's tennis skirts." 92 00:02:57,920 --> 00:02:58,886 Hey, babe, we better get going. 93 00:02:58,955 --> 00:03:00,187 Where you off to? 94 00:03:00,256 --> 00:03:02,222 Oh, we have tickets for a cruise around Sagatuck. 95 00:03:02,291 --> 00:03:04,024 But, hey, we should get together sometime. 96 00:03:04,093 --> 00:03:05,926 - Here is my card. - Thanks. 97 00:03:05,995 --> 00:03:07,328 - See you, guys. - See you later. 98 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:08,295 - Bye! - Bye! 99 00:03:09,098 --> 00:03:11,365 - I loved her! - I loved him! 100 00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:12,600 I can't believe we finally found a couple 101 00:03:12,668 --> 00:03:13,867 that we both like! 102 00:03:13,936 --> 00:03:15,636 Don't get your hopes up about Courtney and Zach. 103 00:03:15,705 --> 00:03:17,037 I saw them move in. 104 00:03:17,106 --> 00:03:18,339 They don't have kids. 105 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,740 Damn. 106 00:03:19,809 --> 00:03:21,241 Why? What's the big deal? 107 00:03:21,310 --> 00:03:24,078 Couples without kids hate couples with kids. 108 00:03:24,146 --> 00:03:26,347 Then she said "boo-bewwy." 109 00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:27,648 Wait. No. 110 00:03:27,717 --> 00:03:29,917 First, three months, he said "bwoo-bewwy." 111 00:03:31,687 --> 00:03:35,155 'Cause couples with kids are so b-o-o-oring. 112 00:03:36,292 --> 00:03:38,592 Mmm! Looks good. 113 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:43,130 Synced and corrected by kinglouisxx 00:04:29,076 That was in English. 137 00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:30,010 It felt foreign. 138 00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:31,245 But you're right. 139 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,479 We just won't mention the kids. 140 00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:34,982 - Let me do the talking. - Why? 141 00:04:35,051 --> 00:04:36,750 Because your voice gets all high when you're nervous. 142 00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:37,985 It does? 143 00:04:38,054 --> 00:04:39,353 Is that why they're always calling me "ma'am" 144 00:04:39,422 --> 00:04:40,654 when I order at drive-throughs? 145 00:04:40,723 --> 00:04:42,056 Who the hell gets nervous at a drive-through? 146 00:04:42,124 --> 00:04:43,290 It's a lot of pressure. 147 00:04:43,359 --> 00:04:44,358 People are waiting. 148 00:04:44,427 --> 00:04:45,826 They can't always hear you. 149 00:04:45,895 --> 00:04:47,528 Okay, fine. 150 00:04:47,596 --> 00:04:49,763 - But put it on speaker so I can hear. - Okay. 151 00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:53,300 - Hello? - Hey, Zach, it's Katie. 152 00:04:53,369 --> 00:04:54,635 Oh, hey, Katie. 153 00:04:54,704 --> 00:04:55,769 Courtney and I were just talking about you guys. 154 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,104 Us, too. 155 00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:59,707 We figured why not call and make a plan to hang out. 156 00:04:59,775 --> 00:05:00,974 How about dinner tomorrow night? 157 00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:02,843 Oh, hey, Courtney! Works for us. 158 00:05:02,912 --> 00:05:04,178 We found this great 159 00:05:04,246 --> 00:05:05,579 off-the-beaten-path Vietnamese place. 160 00:05:05,648 --> 00:05:06,613 You guys like pho? 161 00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:08,449 Fo sho! 162 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:09,483 Perfect. See you guys tomorrow night. 163 00:05:10,653 --> 00:05:12,086 - Who's the man?! - I am! 164 00:05:12,154 --> 00:05:13,854 - Who's the woman?! - That's not a saying! 165 00:05:13,923 --> 00:05:15,155 Feels sexist leaving you out! 166 00:05:15,224 --> 00:05:16,724 We can't do this kind of crap tomorrow night! 167 00:05:20,329 --> 00:05:21,895 Okay, ground rules for tonight. 168 00:05:21,964 --> 00:05:23,097 Taylor's in charge, 169 00:05:23,165 --> 00:05:24,598 and there can be no more disasters. 170 00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:26,200 What do you mean by disasters? 171 00:05:26,268 --> 00:05:27,334 Last time we let you babysit, 172 00:05:27,403 --> 00:05:28,502 you guys played hide-and-seek with Anna-Kat 173 00:05:28,571 --> 00:05:29,503 and gave up without telling her. 174 00:05:29,572 --> 00:05:31,004 She was zipped inside an old suitcase 175 00:05:31,073 --> 00:05:32,272 for five hours. 176 00:05:32,341 --> 00:05:33,373 We didn't give up. 177 00:05:33,442 --> 00:05:34,475 We just never looked. 178 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,510 This is your last shot. 179 00:05:36,579 --> 00:05:38,112 If you can't prove that you're responsible, 180 00:05:38,180 --> 00:05:39,246 then you can't go to the concert 181 00:05:39,315 --> 00:05:40,514 with your friends next week. 182 00:05:40,583 --> 00:05:41,915 - Got it? - Got it. 183 00:05:41,984 --> 00:05:44,017 This dinner we're going to is important, 184 00:05:44,086 --> 00:05:46,386 so don't call unless it's really an emergency. 185 00:05:46,455 --> 00:05:47,755 That means only call from the hospital 186 00:05:47,823 --> 00:05:48,989 and not just from the waiting room. 187 00:05:49,058 --> 00:05:50,224 Call once you're admitted 188 00:05:50,292 --> 00:05:51,759 and stretched out on one of those wheely beds. 189 00:05:54,430 --> 00:05:55,629 Wait. You guys can't leave. 190 00:05:55,698 --> 00:05:57,578 I want to tell you what happened on my show, 191 00:05:57,641 --> 00:05:59,466 - "Adventure Cats." - Let's get out of here 192 00:05:59,535 --> 00:06:01,268 before she recounts every minute in real time. 193 00:06:01,337 --> 00:06:04,671 So, Captain Meowington was leading an expedition 194 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:07,174 down the Amazon River on a bamboo raft... 195 00:06:07,243 --> 00:06:09,042 That's so exciting! Go, go, go, go, go! 196 00:06:09,111 --> 00:06:12,479 And then a snake just fell down out of the trees, 197 00:06:12,548 --> 00:06:14,848 right onto Captain Meowington's lap. 198 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,718 Oh! The snake episode! 199 00:06:17,787 --> 00:06:20,888 Oliver was just asking how it ends. 200 00:06:20,956 --> 00:06:22,438 Tell him. 201 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,925 Don't waste another minute on us. 202 00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:30,664 All right, let's clear our heads of all of that. 203 00:06:30,733 --> 00:06:32,399 Shake it off. 204 00:06:32,468 --> 00:06:35,102 Remember, we don't have kids. 205 00:06:35,171 --> 00:06:36,703 Did we leave them enough money for pizza? 206 00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:38,539 - I think so. - Wrong! 207 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,440 The correct answer is "Who?" 208 00:06:40,509 --> 00:06:41,742 because we don't have kids. 209 00:06:41,811 --> 00:06:42,709 Be better! 210 00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:44,211 Noted. 211 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:45,512 - All right, let's do this. - Greg! 212 00:06:45,581 --> 00:06:46,280 Your keychain. 213 00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:48,749 Oh, my God! 214 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,219 I'll get the spare. 215 00:06:52,288 --> 00:06:53,987 Okay. 216 00:06:54,056 --> 00:06:55,522 Then Captain Meowington 217 00:06:55,591 --> 00:06:56,990 gave up his rank and command 218 00:06:57,059 --> 00:06:58,725 to raise his kittens. 219 00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,460 Really? I knew he had a heart of gold. 220 00:07:00,529 --> 00:07:01,361 Greg! 221 00:07:01,430 --> 00:07:03,497 Sorry about that. 222 00:07:03,566 --> 00:07:04,698 It just sounds like they're taking a lot of risks 223 00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:06,700 - in season two. - Okay. 224 00:07:11,540 --> 00:07:13,207 Anna-Kat, dinner! 225 00:07:13,275 --> 00:07:14,908 There's a lot riding on tonight. 226 00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:17,044 You and Anna-Kat are my responsibility. 227 00:07:17,112 --> 00:07:19,346 Nothing can go wrong. No one can get hurt. 228 00:07:19,415 --> 00:07:21,215 - What's in it for me? - What do you mean? 229 00:07:21,283 --> 00:07:22,807 Well, you're getting something out of this. 230 00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:24,384 I want something, too. 231 00:07:24,453 --> 00:07:26,220 - What's your price? - Okay. 232 00:07:26,288 --> 00:07:29,156 I want you to do what Mom and Dad refuse to do... 233 00:07:29,225 --> 00:07:32,392 drive me past the biggest houses in Westport, slowly... 234 00:07:32,461 --> 00:07:34,695 while I look up their value on Zillow. 235 00:07:34,763 --> 00:07:36,230 No way. 236 00:07:36,298 --> 00:07:39,299 I will break my pinkie right now. 237 00:07:39,368 --> 00:07:40,701 Okay, fine. 238 00:07:40,769 --> 00:07:41,935 It's a deal. 239 00:07:43,272 --> 00:07:44,872 Who's gonna wet my beak? 240 00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:46,039 What? 241 00:07:46,108 --> 00:07:47,140 Here's the thing. 242 00:07:47,209 --> 00:07:48,542 I need to write a story 243 00:07:48,611 --> 00:07:49,977 to read out loud tomorrow night 244 00:07:50,045 --> 00:07:51,178 at the Kid Lit assembly... 245 00:07:51,247 --> 00:07:53,547 only I don't feel like writing it. 246 00:07:53,616 --> 00:07:54,848 Do you get what I'm saying? 247 00:07:55,451 --> 00:07:56,550 No. 248 00:07:56,619 --> 00:07:58,619 She wants you to write the story for her. 249 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,821 And you're gonna help her because she's kind of stupid. 250 00:08:00,890 --> 00:08:01,955 Okay. 251 00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:03,223 What will happen if we don't? 252 00:08:03,292 --> 00:08:05,626 I saved some baby teeth just for this situation. 253 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,327 Ow! 254 00:08:07,396 --> 00:08:09,096 Taylor let me jump off the counter, 255 00:08:09,164 --> 00:08:11,131 and I knocked out my tooth! 256 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,332 Happy writing. 257 00:08:16,672 --> 00:08:17,537 Whoa. 258 00:08:17,606 --> 00:08:18,906 Mmm. 259 00:08:18,974 --> 00:08:20,908 We have been big fans of Vietnamese food 260 00:08:20,976 --> 00:08:22,309 ever since we went backpacking 261 00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:23,710 outside of Hanoi last summer. 262 00:08:23,779 --> 00:08:25,812 Oh, yeah, we rappelled down a waterfall, 263 00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:28,382 explored this tunnel system, went sand-boarding... 264 00:08:28,450 --> 00:08:29,983 - Wow. - But what about you? 265 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:31,652 I bet you guys have taken some great trips. 266 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,754 Oh, boy, have we. 267 00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:36,857 Which one do you want to talk about first? 268 00:08:36,926 --> 00:08:38,158 Let's just pick a favorite. 269 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:40,661 - Which one is our favorite, Greg? - Um... 270 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,062 When was our last vacation? 271 00:08:42,131 --> 00:08:43,931 Does staying at the Motel Six for a weekend 272 00:08:43,999 --> 00:08:45,399 after our pipes burst count? 273 00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:50,437 I think our favorite trip probably was... 274 00:08:50,506 --> 00:08:51,872 when we went rafting down the Amazon. 275 00:08:51,941 --> 00:08:52,906 Right, honey? 276 00:08:52,975 --> 00:08:54,074 - Oh. - Whoa. 277 00:08:54,143 --> 00:08:56,076 We were some adventurous cats, 278 00:08:56,145 --> 00:08:57,844 weren't we, Katie? 279 00:08:57,913 --> 00:09:00,080 That's right. 280 00:09:00,149 --> 00:09:02,549 We were on bamboo rafts. 281 00:09:02,618 --> 00:09:05,052 Yeah, our captain Me-Ow warned us 282 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,387 that it wasn't a trip. 283 00:09:07,456 --> 00:09:08,956 It was an exercise in survival. 284 00:09:09,024 --> 00:09:10,424 We were admiring the scenery, 285 00:09:10,492 --> 00:09:13,126 when this giant snake dropped down from the trees. 286 00:09:13,195 --> 00:09:14,361 Whoa. So what'd you guys do? 287 00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:17,331 What did we do? 288 00:09:17,399 --> 00:09:19,166 My instincts just kicked in, 289 00:09:19,234 --> 00:09:20,300 and I punched it in the face. 290 00:09:20,369 --> 00:09:21,969 Knocked it out cold. 291 00:09:22,037 --> 00:09:23,036 Our Captain Me-Ow... 292 00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:24,404 Who turned out to be a real sweetheart... 293 00:09:24,473 --> 00:09:25,572 ...skinned it, cooked it up. 294 00:09:25,641 --> 00:09:27,040 Best dinner we ever had. 295 00:09:27,109 --> 00:09:29,476 Whoa. I'm so jealous. 296 00:09:29,545 --> 00:09:31,144 Somebody is allergic to snake. 297 00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,784 So, we heard about this place in town 298 00:09:37,853 --> 00:09:39,319 that serves bespoke cocktails. 299 00:09:39,388 --> 00:09:40,754 Just pick a night and we're there. 300 00:09:40,823 --> 00:09:41,855 The night is now! 301 00:09:41,924 --> 00:09:42,923 We'll get the coats. 302 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,159 Are they serious? It's almost 9:30. 303 00:09:46,228 --> 00:09:48,228 - We're already pushing our bedtime. - I know. 304 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,297 We should be in bed with me putting stuff in my Amazon cart 305 00:09:50,366 --> 00:09:51,865 and you telling me not to push the buy button. 306 00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:53,333 If we go to this bar, we still have to wake up early 307 00:09:53,402 --> 00:09:54,534 and deal with the kids, 308 00:09:54,603 --> 00:09:55,704 and I have to help Anna-Kat with her story. 309 00:09:55,759 --> 00:09:56,782 If we don't go to this bar, 310 00:09:56,827 --> 00:09:58,142 they could meet a real kid-less couple 311 00:09:58,228 --> 00:10:00,140 who knows what the hell bespoke cocktails actually are. 312 00:10:00,209 --> 00:10:01,408 We could lose them, Greg. 313 00:10:01,477 --> 00:10:02,743 Come on. 314 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,644 We never put ourselves first. 315 00:10:04,713 --> 00:10:06,313 Let's do something for us for a change. 316 00:10:06,382 --> 00:10:08,281 All right, let's do it. 317 00:10:08,350 --> 00:10:10,117 Look out, 11:00, here come the Ottos! 318 00:10:16,146 --> 00:10:18,630 Last night was fun. The Ottos saw midnight. 319 00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:21,085 Then I took a brief micro nap in the ladies room to rally, 320 00:10:21,155 --> 00:10:22,555 and then we saw 12:45. 321 00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:23,622 Do you think that they liked us? 322 00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:24,823 I hope so. 323 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,058 What happens now? Do we call them? 324 00:10:26,127 --> 00:10:27,293 I don't know how this works. 325 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:31,530 It's not me! It's you! 326 00:10:31,599 --> 00:10:32,731 Help me find my phone! 327 00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:36,135 Call it! 328 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,803 Wait. It's in my hand. 329 00:10:37,872 --> 00:10:39,171 It's a text from Zach! 330 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:40,639 - They don't play games! - They had fun! 331 00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,374 - What did they say exactly? - "We had fun!" 332 00:10:42,443 --> 00:10:43,676 Yes! 333 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,978 Mama, where's my clean underwear? 334 00:10:46,047 --> 00:10:47,846 Never mind. Going inside-out. 335 00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:48,747 Ugh, back to reality. 336 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,049 I got to go make breakfast, 337 00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:51,717 and you need to help Anna-Kat with her story. 338 00:10:51,786 --> 00:10:53,085 I'm texting him back. What do you think of this? 339 00:10:53,154 --> 00:10:54,420 "We had fun, too. 340 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:55,588 Love you guys. 341 00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,956 Regards, Greg"? 342 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,158 That is terrible, but reassuring. 343 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,526 You have no future in online dating. 344 00:11:00,595 --> 00:11:01,627 You're stuck with me forever. 345 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,836 So, how did it go last night? 346 00:11:10,905 --> 00:11:12,171 Perfect. 347 00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,340 You know I'd love to throw this one under the bus, 348 00:11:14,408 --> 00:11:15,808 but she did great. 349 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:17,109 It's true, Mama. 350 00:11:17,178 --> 00:11:19,044 They spent the whole time helping me with my story 351 00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:20,646 for the Kid Lit assembly tonight. 352 00:11:20,715 --> 00:11:22,081 I thought I was gonna help you with that. 353 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,216 Guess you don't need to anymore. 354 00:11:24,285 --> 00:11:25,551 Are you seeing this? 355 00:11:25,620 --> 00:11:28,020 Yeah, we stepped back, and they're fine without us. 356 00:11:28,089 --> 00:11:29,822 What are we gonna do with all our newfound free time? 357 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,727 But we're already dressed for the day... 358 00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,128 What am I saying? Who cares? 359 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,567 Story time. Let me hear what you got. 360 00:11:41,636 --> 00:11:43,168 Okay, so we have a couple of options 361 00:11:43,237 --> 00:11:44,370 for you to choose from. 362 00:11:44,438 --> 00:11:46,639 The first is a story about friendship, 363 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,407 and it starts with two brown bears... 364 00:11:48,476 --> 00:11:49,608 Pass. What's next? 365 00:11:49,677 --> 00:11:51,877 Well, we have another one about a mouse 366 00:11:51,946 --> 00:11:53,779 who's trying to track down a missing skateboard. 367 00:11:53,848 --> 00:11:55,214 No, too cute. 368 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,448 But you watch "Adventure Cats," 369 00:11:56,517 --> 00:11:57,549 and that's all about kittens. 370 00:11:57,618 --> 00:11:59,318 I just watch that to unwind. 371 00:11:59,387 --> 00:12:01,787 Here are a few things I want in my story... 372 00:12:01,856 --> 00:12:05,190 The Donner Party, flesh-eating super-viruses, 373 00:12:05,259 --> 00:12:06,592 and dandelions. 374 00:12:06,661 --> 00:12:08,227 What do those even have to do with each other? 375 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,129 Seems like a writer problem. 376 00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:11,397 Make it work. 377 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:20,539 And Zach and Courtney took us to this cool restaurant, 378 00:12:20,608 --> 00:12:22,307 then to a secret bar, and get this... 379 00:12:22,376 --> 00:12:25,778 this morning, Greg and I even had sex. 380 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:26,979 Morning sex? 381 00:12:27,048 --> 00:12:28,947 Okay, quick question. 382 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,182 Was the bed already made, 383 00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:32,117 and if so, did you then remake it? 384 00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:34,253 I'm telling you, hanging out with this couple 385 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,888 reminded us that we once had a life 386 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:36,989 outside of our kids. 387 00:12:37,058 --> 00:12:38,290 Well, enjoy it while you can. 388 00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:39,558 Take it from a single mom... 389 00:12:39,627 --> 00:12:40,859 you can only hide your kids 390 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,661 from the people you're dating for so long. 391 00:12:42,730 --> 00:12:44,697 'Cause when they find out, they'll dump you. 392 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,298 Because you're not spontaneous. 393 00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:47,633 And you can't go to Nantucket 394 00:12:47,702 --> 00:12:49,535 because you got a kid that didn't listen to you 395 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,503 and went outside without a jacket and got sick, 396 00:12:51,572 --> 00:12:53,405 so now you're staying home while she's at a beachhouse 397 00:12:53,474 --> 00:12:55,474 with some bitch named Ruth. 398 00:12:55,543 --> 00:12:57,710 Don't worry. We have a plan. 399 00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,078 We're gonna get them invested 400 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,546 in a fake version of ourselves, 401 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:01,980 then, when they fall in love, 402 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,816 we're gonna reveal our three little flaws. 403 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,851 Oh! I did the same thing with Richard. 404 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,519 I let him believe I was nice. 405 00:13:07,588 --> 00:13:09,421 There's no way some bitch named "Ruth" 406 00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:10,489 is hotter than I am. 407 00:13:10,558 --> 00:13:11,623 Not possible. 408 00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:21,876 The kids are really getting along. 409 00:13:21,947 --> 00:13:23,313 Don't talk about it. You'll jinx it. 410 00:13:23,382 --> 00:13:25,015 You said our kids had great taste in music, 411 00:13:25,083 --> 00:13:26,816 then it was "Call Me Maybe" for a whole year. 412 00:13:26,885 --> 00:13:27,816 Let's take advantage of this 413 00:13:27,863 --> 00:13:29,830 and have Taylor watch the kids again tonight. 414 00:13:29,899 --> 00:13:31,598 We can't. We have Anna-Kat's Lit assembly at 6:00. 415 00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:33,934 Aw, man. I forgot about that. 416 00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:36,503 Anna-Kat, how many kids are reading tonight? 417 00:13:36,572 --> 00:13:38,605 There are 24 kids in my class, 418 00:13:38,674 --> 00:13:40,741 but there are two classes, so 48. 419 00:13:40,810 --> 00:13:42,843 So fun! 420 00:13:44,213 --> 00:13:45,412 If I take off running right now, 421 00:13:45,481 --> 00:13:46,613 I can get home, pack, 422 00:13:46,682 --> 00:13:48,015 and be in Canada by tomorrow morning. 423 00:13:48,084 --> 00:13:49,583 You are not going to Canada. 424 00:13:49,652 --> 00:13:51,051 Get out of my head, man. 425 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,454 I'm really excited for you to hear my story. 426 00:13:53,522 --> 00:13:54,621 It's pretty amazing. 427 00:13:54,690 --> 00:13:56,156 It better be amazing, 428 00:13:56,225 --> 00:13:58,659 or I'll lock myself in my toy chest 429 00:13:58,728 --> 00:14:00,594 and say that you kept me there all night. 430 00:14:00,663 --> 00:14:02,229 You wouldn't. 431 00:14:02,298 --> 00:14:03,497 Oh, yeah? 432 00:14:03,566 --> 00:14:05,733 "It's so dark in here. 433 00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:07,334 I can't... breathe!" 434 00:14:09,805 --> 00:14:11,872 Now give me a taste of your ice cream. 435 00:14:12,374 --> 00:14:13,741 Aww, they're sharing. 436 00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,109 We're Parents of the Year. 437 00:14:15,177 --> 00:14:16,977 Oh, crap, Greg! Look! 438 00:14:17,780 --> 00:14:19,246 We can't be seen with these jokers. 439 00:14:19,315 --> 00:14:20,481 Guys, who wants candy? 440 00:14:20,549 --> 00:14:21,749 You always say 441 00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:23,784 we're not allowed to have two sweets in one day. 442 00:14:23,853 --> 00:14:25,719 Young lady, when your father tells you to eat candy, 443 00:14:25,788 --> 00:14:26,687 you eat candy. 444 00:14:27,757 --> 00:14:28,489 Come on, come on! 445 00:14:32,294 --> 00:14:33,393 Anna-Kat's sweater! 446 00:14:34,296 --> 00:14:36,230 Oh, I think you dropped this. 447 00:14:36,298 --> 00:14:37,998 You dropped it. 448 00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:40,100 - Hey, look! - Hey! 449 00:14:40,169 --> 00:14:41,401 It's our new best friends! 450 00:14:41,470 --> 00:14:42,970 Hey, guys! 451 00:14:43,038 --> 00:14:44,471 Just taking a leisurely stroll. 452 00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:46,340 Just the two of us, which we do every day. 453 00:14:46,408 --> 00:14:48,375 'Cause we have the time. 454 00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:50,944 We were just about to call you guys. 455 00:14:51,013 --> 00:14:52,012 Oh, yeah! 456 00:14:52,081 --> 00:14:53,113 Yeah, we decided to head up 457 00:14:53,182 --> 00:14:54,348 to our ski house in New Hampshire. 458 00:14:54,416 --> 00:14:55,749 Hit the hot tub, snowmobile in the morning, 459 00:14:55,818 --> 00:14:56,750 and then head back tomorrow. 460 00:14:56,819 --> 00:14:58,118 Classic H-T-Sno-mo. 461 00:14:58,187 --> 00:14:59,153 Sounds amazing! 462 00:14:59,221 --> 00:15:00,554 We'd love for you guys to come 463 00:15:00,623 --> 00:15:01,889 if you don't already have plans tonight. 464 00:15:01,957 --> 00:15:03,390 Did we have something we were supposed to do? 465 00:15:03,459 --> 00:15:04,958 Something about an up-and-coming authors symposium? 466 00:15:05,027 --> 00:15:06,293 Oh, yeah. 467 00:15:06,362 --> 00:15:07,961 Oh, shoot. Well, I guess we could ask... 468 00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:09,429 No, no, no! We're in! 469 00:15:09,498 --> 00:15:10,798 Oh. Okay, great. Hey, I'll text you the address. 470 00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:11,865 - Great. - All right. 471 00:15:12,735 --> 00:15:14,168 An overnighter. 472 00:15:14,236 --> 00:15:16,236 This is the way relationships are cemented. 473 00:15:16,305 --> 00:15:17,971 Would it be lame if I wore a T-shirt in the hot tub? 474 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:18,972 Yeah. 475 00:15:22,745 --> 00:15:24,645 I think she's probably had enough sugar. 476 00:15:29,298 --> 00:15:31,232 I know it's just a kid-free night 477 00:15:31,295 --> 00:15:32,503 with new friends in a new place, 478 00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:33,816 - but I'm super-excited. - Me too. 479 00:15:33,885 --> 00:15:36,152 Are these good lounge-around- the-ski-lodge pants, 480 00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:37,472 or do they look too much like pajamas? 481 00:15:37,535 --> 00:15:38,934 They're good. But wear underwear. 482 00:15:39,003 --> 00:15:39,935 Reduce floppage. 483 00:15:40,004 --> 00:15:40,969 Yes. 484 00:15:41,038 --> 00:15:42,171 I refuse to feel guilty 485 00:15:42,239 --> 00:15:43,472 for missing Anna-Kat's reading tonight. 486 00:15:43,541 --> 00:15:45,908 We have a responsibility to ourselves, 487 00:15:45,976 --> 00:15:47,142 to our relationship, 488 00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:50,045 to the Gods of Spontaneous Marital Morning Sex. 489 00:15:50,114 --> 00:15:52,481 I love those guys. I love you guys! 490 00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:53,849 Half of the parents in this town 491 00:15:53,918 --> 00:15:55,150 spend zero time with their kids. 492 00:15:55,219 --> 00:15:56,452 Then they put on this big show 493 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:57,853 by going to every last school event, 494 00:15:57,922 --> 00:15:59,221 like that makes them good parents. 495 00:15:59,290 --> 00:16:00,255 That's what they do. 496 00:16:00,324 --> 00:16:01,657 That's totally what they do. 497 00:16:01,726 --> 00:16:03,592 They're like, "Ooh! I'm such a good mother! 498 00:16:03,661 --> 00:16:05,794 The nanny feeds them, the maid cleans up after them, 499 00:16:05,863 --> 00:16:07,830 but I'm here at the stupid Kid Lit Festival." 500 00:16:07,898 --> 00:16:09,298 "Ooh, I'm an awesome dad, 501 00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:10,766 I play 72 holes of golf a week 502 00:16:10,835 --> 00:16:13,102 and read texts when my kids are trying to talk to me, 503 00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:14,269 but look at me now! 504 00:16:14,338 --> 00:16:15,371 I'm in the front row, 505 00:16:15,439 --> 00:16:16,705 taping the whole thing on my phone 506 00:16:16,774 --> 00:16:18,607 like I'm not a total douche." 507 00:16:18,676 --> 00:16:20,576 And that's not parenting. 508 00:16:20,644 --> 00:16:22,044 It most certainly is not. 509 00:16:22,113 --> 00:16:24,480 Parenting is the daily grind of caring for kids 510 00:16:24,548 --> 00:16:25,647 while doing the painstaking work 511 00:16:25,716 --> 00:16:26,548 of shaping their character. 512 00:16:26,617 --> 00:16:27,950 That's what we do. 513 00:16:28,018 --> 00:16:29,318 That's all we do, Greg. 514 00:16:29,387 --> 00:16:30,753 That is our entire life. 515 00:16:30,821 --> 00:16:32,621 In fact, one could argue that by skipping this event, 516 00:16:32,690 --> 00:16:34,323 we're teaching Anna-Kat a lesson in independence. 517 00:16:34,392 --> 00:16:35,691 Yes. 518 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,793 By going away, we're actually being there for her more 519 00:16:37,862 --> 00:16:38,527 than if we stayed. 520 00:16:38,596 --> 00:16:39,895 I buy that. 521 00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:41,463 So, for real, what happens when Anna-Kat's onstage 522 00:16:41,532 --> 00:16:43,031 and looks out in the audience and we're not there? 523 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,166 She'll be fine. 524 00:16:44,235 --> 00:16:45,267 We'll buy her ice cream with extra toppings, 525 00:16:45,336 --> 00:16:46,201 and she'll get over it. 526 00:16:46,270 --> 00:16:47,536 So you're saying 527 00:16:47,605 --> 00:16:49,271 for the price of a couple of crumbled-up Oreos, 528 00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:50,472 we can reclaim our lives? 529 00:16:50,541 --> 00:16:51,440 I'm in! 530 00:16:53,844 --> 00:16:55,144 We good to go? 531 00:16:55,212 --> 00:16:56,712 Yeah. Everything's packed. 532 00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:59,459 Angela's gonna take the kids to the Lit assembly and stay the night. 533 00:16:59,522 --> 00:17:01,450 And I told the kids that their great aunt passed, 534 00:17:01,519 --> 00:17:02,851 and we had to go to the funeral. 535 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,887 How many great aunts is that now? 536 00:17:04,955 --> 00:17:06,789 I think I'm up to seven, and they still haven't noticed. 537 00:17:08,926 --> 00:17:09,958 We're on our way, 538 00:17:10,027 --> 00:17:11,293 and we don't feel guilty at all, do we? 539 00:17:11,362 --> 00:17:12,528 Now floor it! 540 00:17:15,332 --> 00:17:17,299 We're having such an amazing time! 541 00:17:17,368 --> 00:17:19,101 - Wish you were here! - Cheers! 542 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:20,636 Whoo! 543 00:17:21,906 --> 00:17:22,971 Remember driveway us? 544 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,606 They had it all figured out. 545 00:17:24,675 --> 00:17:25,941 Highway us, 546 00:17:26,010 --> 00:17:27,643 that's where it all started to crumble. 547 00:17:27,711 --> 00:17:31,013 ...And so, the two rabbits sat down at the table 548 00:17:31,081 --> 00:17:32,214 and shared the carrot. 549 00:17:32,283 --> 00:17:33,549 The end. 550 00:17:35,519 --> 00:17:36,885 Well, that was awful. 551 00:17:36,954 --> 00:17:38,587 Still, we did the right thing. 552 00:17:39,757 --> 00:17:41,323 Although the zebra had stripes 553 00:17:41,392 --> 00:17:43,225 and the leopard had spots, 554 00:17:43,294 --> 00:17:45,127 they decided they could still be friends. 555 00:17:45,196 --> 00:17:46,328 The end. 556 00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:52,201 Still think we did the right thing? 557 00:17:52,269 --> 00:17:55,404 Uhhhhh... 558 00:17:55,473 --> 00:17:57,473 The sun told the cloud to stop crying. 559 00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:58,507 It did. 560 00:17:58,576 --> 00:18:00,008 Then all the children of the world 561 00:18:00,077 --> 00:18:01,109 came out to play. 562 00:18:01,178 --> 00:18:02,244 The end. 563 00:18:06,817 --> 00:18:08,250 Everyone having a good time? 564 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,520 I sure am. 565 00:18:11,589 --> 00:18:13,755 Please welcome Anna-Kat Otto. 566 00:18:13,824 --> 00:18:15,324 Oh. 567 00:18:21,832 --> 00:18:23,365 Once upon a time, 568 00:18:23,434 --> 00:18:25,133 when America was a young nation, 569 00:18:25,202 --> 00:18:26,735 a family of pioneers 570 00:18:26,804 --> 00:18:29,037 decided to take a risk and head West, 571 00:18:29,106 --> 00:18:31,139 into the new frontier... 572 00:18:31,208 --> 00:18:33,675 You are so going to that concert with your friends. 573 00:18:35,746 --> 00:18:37,779 Once the flesh-eating bacteria took over the camp, 574 00:18:37,848 --> 00:18:39,114 no one was safe. 575 00:18:39,183 --> 00:18:41,517 Those who died were actually the lucky ones. 576 00:18:41,585 --> 00:18:42,851 Those who didn't were so hungry 577 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,052 they had no choice 578 00:18:44,121 --> 00:18:45,687 but to eat their family members... 579 00:18:46,657 --> 00:18:47,923 ...and not even dandelions 580 00:18:47,992 --> 00:18:49,258 would grow over their graves. 581 00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:55,964 The end. 582 00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:03,906 You're so not going to that concert with your friends. 583 00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:08,277 Are you kidding me with that story? 584 00:19:08,345 --> 00:19:09,645 What were you two thinking? 585 00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:10,979 We tried to pitch her bunnies. 586 00:19:11,048 --> 00:19:12,014 Yeah, but then she got mad 587 00:19:12,082 --> 00:19:13,148 and made us work through dinner. 588 00:19:13,217 --> 00:19:15,384 Am I the only one who thought it went well? 589 00:19:17,788 --> 00:19:19,021 As much as I want to blame them, 590 00:19:19,089 --> 00:19:20,322 which I really, really want to do, 591 00:19:20,391 --> 00:19:21,823 the truth is, 592 00:19:21,892 --> 00:19:23,458 - this is on us. - I know. 593 00:19:23,527 --> 00:19:24,826 We were so caught up enjoying our kid-less life 594 00:19:24,895 --> 00:19:25,928 with our kid-less friends, 595 00:19:25,996 --> 00:19:27,062 we took our eyes off the ball. 596 00:19:27,131 --> 00:19:28,530 I'm glad we came to our senses. 597 00:19:28,599 --> 00:19:30,198 Did you see Anna-Kat's face 598 00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:31,233 when she looked out in the audience 599 00:19:31,302 --> 00:19:32,234 and saw we were there? 600 00:19:32,303 --> 00:19:33,535 Yeah. 601 00:19:33,604 --> 00:19:35,304 Maybe Highway Us knew what they were doing. 602 00:19:35,372 --> 00:19:37,439 75% of parenting is doing stuff you don't want to do. 603 00:19:37,508 --> 00:19:38,840 I think it's closer to 90%. 604 00:19:38,909 --> 00:19:40,909 Good news is, once they're out of the house, 605 00:19:40,978 --> 00:19:42,711 and it's just the two of us again, 606 00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:44,112 we know we've still got it. 607 00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:45,747 Damn right we do. 608 00:19:47,084 --> 00:19:49,685 You guys can still have it, just hide it. 609 00:19:51,822 --> 00:19:52,854 95%. 610 00:19:52,879 --> 00:19:53,899 Maybe higher. 611 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,370 So we're just going to come right out 612 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:06,838 and tell them the truth... 613 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,165 - we have kids. - Yep. 614 00:20:08,246 --> 00:20:09,298 And if they want to break up with us, 615 00:20:09,345 --> 00:20:10,750 we're not gonna beg. 616 00:20:11,150 --> 00:20:12,813 - Hey! - Hi! 617 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:14,740 Listen, we're so sorry 618 00:20:14,842 --> 00:20:16,208 that we had to cancel with you last-minute. 619 00:20:16,310 --> 00:20:18,107 We have something we wanted to tell you, 620 00:20:18,146 --> 00:20:19,693 but we wanted to do it in person. 621 00:20:19,756 --> 00:20:21,055 Oh. No, no, us first. 622 00:20:23,193 --> 00:20:24,279 - We're pregnant! - We're pregnant! 623 00:20:24,350 --> 00:20:26,683 - What? - Oh, my God! 624 00:20:26,785 --> 00:20:29,703 - That's amazing! - Oh, congratulations! 625 00:20:29,742 --> 00:20:31,031 Thank you. 626 00:20:31,090 --> 00:20:32,055 We have to celebrate! 627 00:20:32,157 --> 00:20:33,624 - Definitely. - Yes! 628 00:20:35,327 --> 00:20:37,461 No way are we gonna be friends with a couple with a newborn. 629 00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:39,696 "Look, guys, the baby discovered its feet!" 630 00:20:39,798 --> 00:20:41,765 - Bo-ring! - Bo-ring! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net